My alarm is set for 8:45 a.m. with the most calming of Apple's alarm timbres, something that sounds like futuristic icicles. When I hear my alarm I wake up and immediately turn it off. Nine minutes later I'll look at my phone for the first time. I'll read my text messages, which will then inhabit some anxiety-ridden half-dreams as I continue to press snooze on my alarm.
I usually need to read emails to actually wake up. I’ll read these and Twitter and my brain will start to get going about what a narcissistic monster I am. I read on Twitter who is talking about me. I'll also start making jokes for the day based on what I read on Twitter.
I exit my bed and it's time for a Listerine wash. I don't want people to smell bad breath over the phone if I need to make a call. This is followed by working out on the elliptical for 30 to 40 minutes. The best way to get me to work out is to let me watch TV. I catch up on Breaking Bad and House of Cards. I like to start the day with some stressful TV programming.
I'm allergic to my own sweat, so now my body is on fire. I shower and do an examination of my weird blotchy skin. I use Aveeno products. I know they are very mainstream, and not very cool, but they feel good on my skin.
After showering, I'm clean and famished. I make a coffee and begin the roller coaster of caffeine and sugar that is the rest of my day. My coffee style is based on the weather. The first housewarming gift from my mom was a Nespresso machine. I go with their Capriccio, the stronger blend. I'm always praying that I didn't buy decaf. If it is a cooler day, I'll just make an espresso.
I wish I was a cool guy and could drink coffee black, but I put almond milk and raw cane sugar in it. The almond milk is from Califia Farms. I'm a sucker for packaging. It comes in a container that has the essence of an old milk bottle—it evokes a simpler time—but it's all plastic.
I’ll then have some Kashi Go Lean. It has as much protein as an egg. Kashi looks like twigs, so it makes me feel like I'm healthy. This cereal has been with me since childhood. Once a year in my family, we had a junk food day. I could eat Cocoa Crisps and Fruit Loops. Now I'm back eating Kashi. As much as I hate to admit it, my mother has won.
Depending how long it’s been since my last time to the grocery store, because I buy it in bulk, I'll do Fage yogurt until I see green on it.
One thing I am experimenting with right now is kefir, a cultured milk product. I was tipped on to it, along with most of my food ideas, from my friend Aziz Ansari. I call it adult Go-Gurt for the Trader Joe's set. It's probiotic and somewhere between yogurt and milk.
I tend to buy my juice rather than make it. I like kale, celery, apples, beets, and ginger. Those are keywords that will spring me into action. If I get to a supermarket, I'll buy some cold-pressed juice, but I still don't don't know what "cold press" means. Again, I'm a sucker for keywords.
I decided to go to some doctor, a Western one with Eastern influences. He told me to pull out my fillings because they were leaking mercury. I ignored that, but I did take him up on his suggestion to drink apple cider vinegar to help with my skin. A teaspoon per day. Because I half listen and don’t follow directions well, I just take a big swig to the dome and try to eat something after.
After all the low-fat stuff, I end up eating Tate's chocolate chip cookies.
Usually if somebody stays over, a friend or significant other, I make eggs. I don't do that for myself.
If I'm super hungover, it's a fried egg, Saint-André triple-crème brie, and salami. I'll make a killer cholesterol sandwich to soak up the mistakes of the night before. When I'm hungover and wallowing in my own misery, I need to address that first. Being better on my body takes place later.
