The 15 Silliest Food Patents, from Amphetamine Gum to Pasta Flutes
We're an inventive species.
We can't help ourselves—it's our human need to find faster and shinier ways of doing what amounts to the same old thing every day. At some point in human history someone invented bread, the next day somebody else invented sliced bread, then somebody else invented an easier bread to slice, then somebody else invented a way to slice multiple slices of bread at once, then somebody else invented pre-sliced bread, then some crazed free-thinker throws society into chaos and gets nailed to a tree for his troubles by inventing the sandwich, etc….
Sometimes these inventions and improvements are revolutionary—even life saving. Other times you end up with New Coke, Hamdingers and shot glasses shaped like condoms. Of course, nobody ever sets out to purposely invent and patent something stupid, but as the old saying goes, the road to hell is paved with good intentions.
Here's a look at some of those lesser good intentions.
1/15Deep-Fried Sandwich
In 1933, inventor Albert Borberly patented a fancy new way to make a sandwich that retains “its delectability and characteristics of edibility several days after the same has been made.” The process is simple: First, smoke enough high-end marijuana to make this sound like a good idea. Then take a sandwich—any kind of sandwich will apparently do—dip it in batter and deep-fry in fat until it’s golden brown. The next step is to eat the sandwich and then take a long and rather sweaty bathroom break culminating with an solemn oath to never to eat another batter-dipped egg-salad sandwich as long as you live.
Take a long nap, then repeat until concerned family members finally intercede to get you the counseling you need.
2/15Beer-Can Holder
Finally, someone invented a device that would "eliminate the inconvenience of a direct contact between the fingers and the cold and moist beer can." I can't begin to tell you how many of my formal dinners have been ruined by condensation from cold beer cans. Seriously, do you now how embarrassing it is to go and shake hands with the King of Sweden and find your hands ice-cold and soaking wet from holding on to a can of Hamms? Seriously, do you?
I'm a little surprised they keep accepting my invitations for all-you-can-eat tacos, bless their hearts….
3/15Coffee-Scented Car Air Freshener
At last a scented air freshener to dangle from your vehicle’s rearview mirror to provide the rich scent of a good cup of coffee during your daily commute. It’s almost like you’ve been transported to some sort of weird, almost magical World of Tomorrow where you can enjoy actual coffee in the comfort of your own car—which to be absolutely clear is still impossible at this stage of our technological development.
4/15Condom Shot Glass
A shot glass shaped like a condom—guaranteed to get you all sorts of attention if you ever order up a double. Here’s a fun little thought experiment: Imagine for a moment how profoundly different country music would be if all barware were intentionally shaped like condoms or sex toys.
5/15Gasoline-Powered Cooking Stove for Your Car
Simply attach the stove and fuel can to the running board of your old-timey vehicle, light the burner and start cooking all of your favorite foods over a flavor-enhancing gasoline flame—just like mom used to do before they locked her away so she couldn’t hurt anyone again. Another automotive cooking variation involves using the diverting the hot exhaust of your old-timey vehicle’s engine to heat a stove on the passenger seat—perfect for those days when you absolutely want pancakes or a hamburger right now yet also desperately want to cause a massive flaming wreck on the highway. These and other similar highway cooking devices were, of course, later perfected.
6/15Combination Hamburger and Hot-Dog Bread Bun
It happens at every Fourth of July cookout when somebody says “This hamburger needs more bun flopping awkwardly on the sides like a pair of deformed bread ears, and my hot-dog bun needs to look like it’s pregnant with more hot-dog buns. You’ve ruined the Fourth of July with your uninspired bun-manship and I hate America now. Good day, sir!” And once again, the terrorists win—that is until now, thanks to inventor Mark Murray’s 2009 patent for the dopiest-looking bread product ever imagined.
7/15Hot-Dog-Bun-Filling Device
Has this ever happened to you? One day you’re standing in the kitchen making yourself a hot dog, and the moment you place the hot dog into the split bun your entire life comes tumbling down around you in a burning heap of failure and disgrace because of your “bulky, unsightly, and difficult to handle and eat” meal?
If so, then next time don’t split the bun open like some sort of rube—try drilling a core out of it and jam your dog in there with inventor Louis Sehilling’s 1933 patented Sandwich Filling Device instead, and you’ll be sure to taste the needlessly complicated difference!
istock photo8/15Cola-Flavored Bread Spread
A patented German concoction of milk, sugar, thickeners, preservatives, and cola flavor that you're supposed to spread on bread a la Nutella—just look for the plastic tub marked "I Can’t Believe It’s Not Diabetes!" wherever fine spreads are sold!
9/15Pasta Flute
A sign that your career in music isn’t taking off quite like you’d hoped: You literally have to eat your instrument.
Inventors Eran Lederman and Elan Leor’s 2010 patent provides for a package of edible wind instruments made of dried pasta dough that “a buyer of such a package may for example use some of the wind instruments for amusement of, e.g., his children by generating a sound therewith, and later process (e.g. cook) the same wind instruments to render the foodstuff of which the wind instruments are made of edible.”
After all, what child doesn’t want to chow down on a soggy, used flute for dinner?
10/15Prune Beer
An unnecessary and uninvited doubling-down on one of beer’s innate characteristics, courtesy of inventor Eberhard A. Klepper in 1936.
11/15Whiskey Gun
It seems that inventor Frank G. Bohn was ahead of the curve with his 1969 patent for a plastic novelty gun that pivots a whiskey glass “to the lips of a person in an amusing manner.”
I’ve never actually seen one of these in person, but clearly he was on to something because—like most other well-adjusted adults—I know I often stare longingly at firearms and say to myself, “I wish I could use that to shoot myself in the face with liquor, because that would be amusing.”
12/15Amphetamine Chewing Gum
Sugary chewing gum mixed with a potentially addictive psychoactive drug that if unchecked can turn your teeth to bloody, rotting nubs all on its own—together at last thanks to inventor Theodore C. Goggin (aka “The Fifth Dentist”).
13/15Watermelon Carrier
Hah—take that, arms and hands! You're not the boss of me anymore—I can move watermelons all day now thanks to technology! All I need is this over-elaborate tool...and my arms and hands...oh. Nevermind.
Adam Zivner14/15Chloroform-Infused Hard Candy
Courtesy of former pharmaceutical company Richardson Merrell, Inc. (now Sanofi) and just in time for Halloween, here’s a sweet and delicious patent for hard candy that literally knocks you out cold thanks to a dose of chloroform in every drop. It’s also just in time to provide enough material for an entire season of Law and Order: SVU and at least six months worth of Nancy Grace programming, should they fall into the wrong hands.
15/15Dehydrated Beer
To rehydrate, simply pour a measured amount of dehydrated beer crystals into your toilet and flush.
