You can't roast a chicken in an iPhone 7. You can't roast a chicken in an iPhone 8 either, but hey, we weren't expecting that kind of technology this soon. But the iPhone 8 is finally here, and with it comes some impressive upgrades in the field of culinary technology. While past iterations of Apple's iconic smart phone have focused on GPS upgrades and camera quality, the iPhone 8 is surprisingly geared toward the home cook. It's almost as if Apple heard our cries of longing. Here are 15 of the coolest food features and upgrades on the newly released iPhone 8:
Cheese Grater
Fresh Parmesan is never a bad idea. This was actually rumored to have been a standard feature on the original iPhone that got pulled right before launch, due to fear of isolating the lactose intolerant consumer.
Mandoline
Thinly shaved fennel salad waits for no man or woman or human being with an iPhone 8! Just watch those fingers when drafting DMs; the blade is pretty sharp.
Mustard
There’s mustard in the iPhone 8! Three clicks of the home button dispenses the spread onto any nearby sandwich, hot dog, or pretzel.
Kegerator
Perhaps the Apple engineering team's greatest feat, the kegerator defies the laws of physics and fits 165 cold ones in the palm of your hand.
Cast Iron Frame
The first run of the iPhone 8 comes with a limited edition, pre-seasoned cast iron frame from the design firm behind Kanye West's lower Manhattan loft. While it provides no real function, it gives you an excuse to tell your friends about the wonders of cast iron and Kanye's genius.
A Little Blowtorch
This updated, flame-shooting flashlight feature voice activates with a shouted, "SEAR ME, SIRI!" Perfect for finishing chicken wings, lasagna, or a nice crème brûlée.
Magnetic Knife Rack
Carrying your paring knife, bread knife, and 8” chef’s knife loose in your pocket is straight-up dangerous. The iPhone 8’s magnetic screen will mount them in your pocket to keep safety first.
Kitchen Timer
The timer has always been on the iPhone. It’s still the same, but now it’s a kitchen timer.
Mini Charcoal Grill
With a download of the Weber App, the iPhone 8's screen turns into a portable barbecue, which easily fits ¼ of a hot dog. iCharcoal iChimney sold separately.
An Avocado Tree
They’re getting expensive. Turn your phone into an avocado tree by paying a one-time fee of $18.99 for the iCado app, and get a handle on your avocado spending tendencies.
Horse-Drawn Plow
Ground has finally been broken in the technologically-conscious organic farming community. Attach the iPhone 8 to the harness on your strongest colt and dig through the earth! A true testament to the strength of the iPhone 8.
Oyster Fork
A stylus-like attachment that brings back the screen-tapping, oyster and champagne-guzzling opulence of the early 2000’s cellphone scene. You will probably lose this. Replacement fork can be purchased for $79.99.
Laser-Guided Food Photography
Why leave the success of a ramen or cheeseburger Instagram up to your own amateur photography skills? The iPhone 8 projects a mathematically calculated table landscape for maximum likes and perfect proportions directly onto your eating surface. Your friends won’t be embarrassed at all!
Water Filter
Pour water into the iPhone 8’s charging port and let it seep out the cracks at the top of the phone for clean, crystal-clear, electrolyte-infused water. This will not damage your iPhone 8, probably.
Julia Child Siri Feature
Apple purchased the rights to every episode of The French Chef, Baking with Julia, In Julia’s Kitchen with Master Chefs, and Julia & Jacques Cooking at Home to build a vast audio library of Julia Child sound clips. Now, Julia is here to answer your every question. What's the weather going to be like on Saturday, Julia? Enough with the questions, time for more sherry! Wait, Julia, is it going to rain? Let's roast a chicken!