The way to a grown-up’s heart may be through their stomach, but the way to a kid’s heart is apparently through handcrafted maple cabinetry.
Modern play kitchens extend far beyond the limits of our PlaySkool-raised imaginations. Affluent little chefs’ chic setups now have the enviable subway-tile backsplashes and brass accents of your dream kitchen—only in miniature, and lacking the utility of even an Easy-Bake Oven. They also cost nearly as much as a complete set of brand-new, stainless-steel appliances. (You know, the real kind.) MasterChefs Junior are not born, they are made, amid period-accurate mid-century modern refrigerators and artisanally carved wooden mock-fruit.
Chelsea All-In-1 Kitchen (Pottery Barn Kids, $499)
This playset has an elegant two-handle bridge faucet and a watertight sink, perfect for collecting a grown woman’s adult-sized tears of envy.
Pink All-In-1 Retro Kitchen (Pottery Barn Kids, $399)
A relative bargain, for those who love their children exactly $100 less than the Chelsea All-in-1 Kitchen families love theirs. This tasteful playcenter (with built-in salt and pepper shakers!) is not “pink,” but “petal pink,” which I can only imagine is a placeholder until the current generation of toddlers decide what their “millennial pink” will be called.
You see, there’s nothing kids love more than nostalgic design principles, particularly since Mad Men went off the air—as evidenced by this product, the Red Vintage Play Kitchen ($149.99), the Pink Retro Kitchen & Refrigerator ($189.99), and more.
Large Pastel Play Kitchen (KidKraft, $189.99)
While the microwave control panel uses a font that I can only imagine was specifically designed to make my eyeballs ache, the most insidious feature of this otherwise lovely kitchen is actually the grocery list, painted right onto the freezer. No matter how many pretend eggs your child pretend-buys, that list will remain, tormenting them forever.
3-Piece Sunday Brunch Wooden Play Kitchen Set (Teamson Kids, $172.77)
The specificity with which this item is named fills my heart with dread. Are we also expected to purchase Monday Lunch, Wednesday Dinner, Thursday Breakfast, and Saturday 10:37 p.m. Snack Play Kitchen Sets?
Uptown Espresso Play Kitchen (KidKraft, $189.99)
There’s no color quite so kid-friendly as “Espresso.” (Also available in the equally zany “Natural.”)
My Little Chef Uptown Play Kitchen (Teamson Kids, $155.99)
The smart fridge has a (mock) touchscreen to introduce your little ones to the world of the Internet of Things and DDoS attack-based games of make-believe.
Ultimate Corner Play Kitchen Set With Lights & Sounds (KidKraft, $229.99)
I’m sorry, but what more could you possibly want? This kitchen comes with a dishwasher, already-iced cupcakes baking in the oven (do not try this at home), and an icemaker that lights up and makes “realistic” sounds, if not actual ice. Actual ice is overrated.
Grand Walk-In Kitchen (Step2, $274.99)
This full-on restaurant comes with a 103-piece set of plastic accessories, including a croissant, red and green grapes, and what appears to be a pair of Cornish game hens. It’s also large enough to sleep one adult, provided that adult doesn’t mind curling up into a tight fetal position. How many toys can double as a no-frills Airbnb?
All in One Modern Kitchen (Guidecraft, $349.95 on Amazon)
If Patrick Bateman were a child, and that child had a toy kitchen, it would look like this.
Future Foodie Play Kitchen Set (The Land of Nod, $699)
Act now—this unfairly stylish kitchen has been reduced from $817.
Kids Kitchen Nook with Arched Awning (Strictly for Kids, $1,425.77)
I do not know why this presumably indoor toy requires an awning, nor do I know why said awning is covered with handprints, like it’s been visited by the ghosts of some very tall toddlers.
Premier Deluxe Preschool Ultimate Kitchen Pack (Strictly for Kids, $5,588.99)
This kitchen—which comes with two chairs, a table, and a precious doll-ready high chair—is a beautiful display of craftsmanship. It also raises a vital question: Is it possible to take out a mortgage on a toy?