Last night marked the stirring finale of Rachel Lindsay’s journey on The Bachelorette. Over Rachel’s tenure on the show, romances were kindled, hearts were broken, three fantasy suites were debased, one proposal was accepted, and dozens of stunning dinners went uneaten. That last part is one of the stranger Bachelor franchise traditions, you see: Virtually no one actually dines on the frequently mouthwatering food served during the show’s on-screen dates. Instead, contestants often eat while they’re getting ready, or while simply they’re not on camera, on the grounds that chowing down can make for less-than-sexy television. "No one looks good eating, and microphones pick up all kinds of chomping,” former Bachelor Sean Lowe wrote in his 2015 book For the Right Reasons.
To all the untouched meals of Bachelorette season 13: Will you accept this rose? (The rose is my mouth.)
Eight guys arrive for the season’s first group date to find Rachel grilling up a hearty smorgasboard of burgers, hot dogs, and shrimp, but—as far as what’s shown on camera—not a single human being touches any of this food. Is this accursed barbecue a metaphor for the performativity of traditional marriage and, more broadly, of femininity? Or did every field producer get a free protein-heavy lunch that day?
In a “husband material”-themed obstacle course, Rachel’s suitors race to change a diaper, vacuum with a BabyBjörn strapped to their chests, and set a table with fake food. I am happy to report that no one puts that plastic carrot anywhere remotely near their mouths.
Based on the intensity with which Rachel is staring at dreamboat Peter, I am pretty sure you could have covertly replaced the lamb chop in front of her with a lit jack-o’-lantern carved in her exact likeness and our Bachelorette wouldn’t have noticed.
ACTUALLY EATING FOOD ALERT. While riding on horseback through Beverly Hills (what, you’ve never done that on a first date?) Anthony and Rachel stop at a Sprinkles ATM for “horse cupcakes,” which they take the liberty of sampling themselves before feeding to their trusty steeds. (Rude.) The human verdict: Maple-y.
We get it, Rachel and Dean—you’re into each other. But who’s going to make out with this lonely beef? I would watch a reality show about the search for a loving partner to eat this overlooked hunk of meat. At the very least, Lonely Beef should be cast on Bachelor in Paradise, on which it would probably not be the least charismatic cast member.
Like soon-to-be-eliminated contestant Jack Stone himself (no, not mere “Jack”—Jack Stone), the food served on his one-on-one date with Rachel is neither exciting nor memorable. See you on Match.com, Jack Stone.
It’s fitting that my enemy Bryan, a distinguished alumnus of at least one previous reality dating show, has his first one-on-one date catered with what appears to be pork (???) and cheesecake (???????) on a single plate, because Rachel’s affection for him is, to me, equally baffling.
I am 90% sure that those are the ancient aphrodisiac that is Golden Oreos.
Of all the untouched food on this season of The Bachelorette, for some reason, the buns on the burgers that Rachel and Eric (don’t) eat at Copenhagen’s Tivoli Gardens break my heart the most. They’re so big. So golden. So shiny. Could Lonely Beef have met its match?
A toast to that inexplicable glass full of greens.
Ah, yes, my favorite romantic meal: Exactly one cherry tomato served on a bed of white rice.
Rachel. Dean. You’re really not going to eat that perfectly good caquelon of fondue? According to Swiss law, this is a Class 1 felony, so I hope that the entire Bachelorette production team has no plans of returning to the country in the future.
Does this unappealing smattering of steamed vegetables signify trouble in paradise for Rachel and Peter?
Oh, has The Bachelorette not mentioned in the last 30 seconds that the cast has traveled to Switzerland for an episode? Here’s some extremely conspicuous chocolate to remind you!
Just how large a slice of cake would it take to make Eric and Adam forget that their two-on-one dinner will end with one of them going home? Something tells me this one isn’t quite large enough.
Eric’s family made this meal for you, Rachel, and yet it’s about as likely to get eaten on camera as those sunflowers.
ACTUALLY EATING FOOD ALERT: Rachel gets friendly with an arepa in Miami, in what is arguably the most sensual moment in franchise history.
ACTUALLY EATING FOOD ALERT: At a farmer’s market in Peter’s native Madison, Wisconsin, he and Rachel each enjoy a “honey stick,” which, coincidentally, is the pet name I would choose for Peter were he to allow himself to love me.
ACTUALLY EATING FOOD ALERT: Rachel feeds Peter a pickle, my second-choice pet name for Peter.
ACTUALLY EATING FOOD ALERT: Dean’s hometown date to visit his father—a Kundalini yogi who has converted to Sikhism—introduces Bachelor Nation to khichuri, a South Asian rice and mung beans dish.
I can’t tell if that’s pasta or maybe a nice rice pilaf next to that bread, but I nevertheless appreciate that Peter comes from a starch-on-starch kind of family.
ACTUALLY EATING FOOD ALERT: Eric breaks no-eating protocol in the name of a particularly alluring grape.
I spy some orange slices in the bottom of the frame when Bryan brunches with Rachel’s friends. Are they a snack? A garnish? A dark-horse contender for Rachel’s heart? Whatever their purpose, nobody’s eating them.
Unfortunately, Bryan is too busy abruptly excusing himself from the dinner table to eat anything at Rachel’s house.
Not only does Rachel not eat her chips, but she’s about to get up from the café table and leave all that wine behind. Why not see if you can get the rioja to go?
No offense, Eric, but I would like to extend an invitation to the fantasy suite to those rolls.
Glad to see The Bachelorette is showcasing the incredible cuisine of Spain with what appears to be a tray of pre-sliced honeydew melon a PA picked up at a Stop & Shop back home.
ACTUALLY EATING FOOD ALERT: During the blooper reel played during the “Men Tell All” special, it’s revealed that an utterly ecstatic Josiah couldn’t get enough of the food in Norway. If they’d aired this clip before Josiah was sent home, he might’ve become my all-around favorite. (Peter, if you’re reading this, I promise I don’t really mean that.)
ACTUALLY EATING FOOD ALERT: To tease Josiah, Rachel makes a big show out of snacking on a potato chip (because he’s about to be “salty” at the rose ceremony?), but all I can focus on is sussing out the identity of whatever top-secret brand of potato chips they’ve blurred half to death here.
Not eating, exactly, but cooking! Peter whips up some bacon and eggs after he and Rachel spend the night in the fantasy suite.
Rachel and Bryan dine together before their overnight date, his plate pooled with the blood of contestants who came before.
Bryan and Rachel seemingly ignore the rest of their sumptuous breakfast-in-bed spread to eat strawberries, which they in turn seemingly ignore to make out.
If reality TV be the food of love, play on.