The Collected Rants of the Foodist, Andrew Knowlton
Andrew Knowlton, the Bon Appétit Foodist, loves much about the American culinary experience—with a few key exceptions. Here are 12 things he can't stand about dining out.
Wikimedia Commons1/12April 2014: When the Server Doesn't Write Down Your Order
When I was a waiter back in the late ‘90s, we used to play this game: See how many orders you can take without writing anything down. Half of the time we’d return to the table, head hung, and ask customers to repeat stuff. The other half, we’d simply get it wrong. It was a stupid game then, and it’s stupid now.
I don’t care if you’ve been waiting tables 35 years—write down my order. Any decent server can memorize an order for two people, you say? Sure. You’d just better hope I’m not at your table, ‘cause I’m ordering half the menu.
orth Korea - Kaesong Folk Hotel/Wikimedia Commons2/12February 2014: Overly Dark Restaurants
I used to be the guy telling restaurants to turn down the lights—food and dining companions just look better illuminated by low-wattage bulbs and candles. But some restaurants have taken dark dining too far.
If I can’t see my wife sitting two feet away, it’s too dark. If I can’t tell where my chicken ends and my mashed potatoes begin, it’s too dark. If I need the light of my phone to read your menu…well, you get the point. Do I sound old? Maybe. But when my five-year-old starts requesting a night-light to eat out, rest assured: Your restaurant is too damn dark.
3/12December 2013: Cookies and Milk on Christmas Eve
The last thing I want on Christmas Eve is cookies and milk. And I’m guessing all the other Santas of the world agree. Yes, it’s traditional, but this year I’m telling my daughters that Old Saint Nick needs a change: “Hey, girls, how about a glass of amaro and a handful of taralli Pugliese, those savory Italian cracker biscuits?” When they ask if Santa will still come to our house, I’ll say, “You bet—and he’s going to be quite happy.”
Bettmann/Corbis4/12November 2013: The Kids' Table
Parents, listen up: Lose the kids’ table. I know: Why would you want a bunch of children ruining your Thanksgiving when you can stick them at a card table, give them a plate of food, then return to the world of adults? First off, you risk alienating your offspring during the most important meal of the year. Second, and even more to the point, when you sit together as a family, you’re creating better diners—and better memories—for years to come. So make room!
5/12October 2013: Digging Through the Coat Pile
We've all been there, a memorable fête where the hosts thought of everything except how to get your coat back at the end of the night. Now you're set to leave and they're telling you it's in a room down the hall—on the bed. That means digging through a Mount Everest of wool, down, and leather. At your next party, buy an inexpensive clothing rack and set it up in a corner. Even if your food isn't flawless, your guests' exit will be.
6/12August 2013: Eating Fast Food on Road Trips
I took the car trips of my youth for granted, especially when it came to the food we ate along the way: fried pork rinds, real beef jerky, and peaches so juicy you’d need to change your shirt after eating one. Man, how things have changed. It’s awful how fast food now dominates roadsides, not to mention that people fly anywhere that’s more than a few hours’ drive away. But I’m taking back the family road trip. Any journey less than five hours, I’m hitting the road. Along the way, I’ll find a diner, food truck, or restaurant so my kids will remember these trips as much for the journey as for the destination.
7/12July 2013: Regional Authenticity Snobs
Flawless pulled pork in Chicago? Bona fide lobster rolls in Atlanta? Real-deal fried chicken and waffles in Portland? Yes, yes, and yes. Nothing is more tiresome than listening to regional zealots claim that a particular area’s specialty can’t taste “authentic” outside its birthplace. Is Southern food better in the South? Perhaps, but often it has more to do with the setting, the diner’s expectations, and the fact that the person you ordered it from called you “hon.” I’ve had incredible Sichuan dishes in Houston and lousy ones in China. The point is, great food is about ingredients and execution, not location. Let’s say we drop this whole authenticity nonsense and grab some amazing Neapolitan-style pizza—in Phoenix.
Getty8/12June 2013: The Education System's War Against PB&Js
I grew up on peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but I fear they’re becoming extinct. On my daughter’s first day of preschool, I packed her a nostalgic lunch of apple slices, potato chips, and a PB&J (my wife drew the line at Capri Sun). The sandwich was brought home uneaten, along with a note explaining the school’s no-nut policy. I get it–food allergies are serious. Still, it’s sad to think that future generations won’t have the pleasure of sharing (or trading) this sandwich with their classmates. So we’ve started monthly PB&J dinners at home (only Jif Extra Crunchy, strawberry jam, and Pullman bread, please, and a 70/30 peanut butter–to-jelly ratio). And yes, we even had Capri Sun. Once.
9/12May 2013: Bed & Breakfasts
How do I dislike B&Bs? Let me count the ways: I want to arrive at my hotel when I want to arrive–not between 4 and 4:30 p.m. I don’t want to share my shower with the couple from “The Rose Room.” I don’t want to eat breakfast (served from 7 to 7:30 a.m.) with strangers. Later that day, I don’t want to be asked why I skipped the wonderful scones. And I don’t want to tiptoe like a teenager when I come back after the “recommended” 10 o’clock curfew. Plus: Where’s the minibar?
Zach DeSart10/12April 2013: The Culinary World's Obsession with Fatty Foods
Chicken-fried bacon. Bone marrow hollandaise. Pig trotters stuffed with foie gras and short rib. Foie gras stuffed with pig trotters and short rib. I know it’s my job to eat out—to stuff myself, even. But ever since fat became your go-to ingredient, things have gotten out of control.
Look, I love bacon, lard, butter, duck fat. They make bad food taste good, and good food taste great. I was an early supporter of the bacon boom. But now we’ve reached Baconageddon: bacon on brussels sprouts, bacon on steak, bacon on dessert, and in (and on) pretty much everything. It’s become a culinary crutch. Don’t know how to make that chicken dish thrill? Add bacon!
Next you topped everything with a fried egg. Then pork belly became your meat (where bacon begins…) of choice. A dish of this fatty cut is good every once in a while, ideally when you’re spending the day building a stone wall, but lethal when it becomes just another protein. Now you’re fixated on bone marrow. What was once an indulgence has become another ingredient that you top with uni or add to pasta. Ugh.
I know it’s not your job to play health police. I’m a grown-up; I should be able to control myself. Problem is, your menus are meaty minefields. Even salads, pastas, and stews are loaded with fat. No wonder that garganelli with wild mushrooms tastes so decadent: There’s a stick of butter in it! Why do we mock, and in some cases sue, fast-food companies for unhealthy food, but accept and even celebrate it in fine dining?
Fat overload doesn’t only apply to single dishes. A few belly bombs are acceptable (sometimes we simply have to have fries and cheese curds doused in gravy), but a menu stacked with dish after fat-laden dish is irresponsible and lazy. Plenty of chefs play with fatty dishes but offer lighter options to keep things balanced.
Suzanne Goin at Lucques in Los Angeles gets press for her rich veal cheeks with risotto carbonara. But she also nails refreshing plates like a citrus salad with mint and avocado. Take a lesson from her; give me some bright salads and crudo.
Some of you even feel like I do. Several months back, chef Jordan Kahn of Red Medicine in Los Angeles tweeted: “Should not the responsibility of a good restaurant also be to think about how the guest will feel after their meal & the following morning?” I believe it is, and I hope your food starts to reflect this. At least do what New York’s legendary steakhouse Sammy’s Roumanian does. Station a bowl of Alka-Seltzer by the exit so I can grab one on my way out. It may not make me healthier, but at least my stomach will feel better.
11/12March 2013: Star Restaurant Ratings
I love restaurant reviews, but I hate star ratings. How does a two-star spot compare to one-star? Fancier napkins? And why can’t a pizza joint receive four stars? The Los Angeles Times wisely ditched the system last year, saying, “Star ratings are increasingly difficult to align with the reality of dining.” Amen to that. But I’m not ready to lose ratings altogether. Why not use a letter grade, with pluses and minuses? We all know what a C means—passing but nothing special. A+ is a flawless restaurant. And a B is really good. F and D? They won’t be around much longer. Who’s with me?
12/12February 2013: Dining Out on Valentine's Day
Never, ever go out to eat on Valentine’s Day. Why? It’s amateur night. Picture hundreds of people going through airport security who haven’t flown in 15 years and you get the idea. Oh, and the staff are cranky. (Who wants to be around all that romance?) Makes that $36 prix fixe seem like less of a deal, right?
