From a young age, I trained myself to know what I want and ask for it. Not like, career goals and how to ask for the raise I so clearly deserve—I mean what I want for Christmas. And to let Santa know, in detail, complete with make and model numbers. So when relatives and mall Santas ask, "What do you want for Christmas this year, Obviously Grown Adult Woman Who Has No Business Receiving Gifts From Strange Men?" I have a Google doc, a file in my Notes app, Amazon wish list, Etsy faves—you name it. I'm basically ready to be showered with presents at any moment. And the best presents are clearly the ones we ourselves cannot afford. This is obviously the only reason people get married. Sure, I'll buy Mr. and Mrs. Hyphenated-Name a single $50 plate—but I'm not gonna buy it for myself.
So without further ado, here are the kind of expensive things I'm too cheap to buy myself, so please put a bow on a few of these and I'll pretend I'm surprised. I'm really good at it.
Breville IQ Kettle
I drink a LOT of tea, but it's always too hot. Scalding! That's terrible for my precious, delicate oolong tea leaves. They need a gentle heat. This hoity-toity tea kettle will boil and heat water to the IDEAL TEMPERATURE. It has five preset temps! That's approximately four more preset temps than I need, but I want them anyways!
Buy It: $150 on Amazon
Le Creuset Round Dutch Oven
You love me! You really, really love me. I can FINALLY whip up that vinegar-braised chicken I've had my eyes on. I'll treat this cocotte with so much care, so much more care than I've probably shown you in the past year—I promise. How did you know my preferred color was Marseille?? (But if you're willing to drop $$$ ($400), there's a special place in my heart (and kitchen, the place is wide open) for the Williams-Sonoma exclusive Petite Fruit pattern...) When it's not in use—which will barely be ever because I'm gonna use it every day—I'll leave it on my stove and think about your generosity and thoughtfulness and incredible attractiveness. Thank you.
Buy It: $328 on Amazon or $400 at Williams Sonoma If You Truly Love Me
Zojirushi Rice Cooker and Warmer
Lately I've just been boiling water and adding rice and rushing to check on it every ten minutes or so to see if it's turned into gummy goo. I'd rather not do that. This rice cooker will make my life so much easier—like the time I paid my credit card bill.
Buy It: $140 on Amazon
Unicorn Magnum Pepper Mill
When the test kitchen nerds say you need a particular pepper grinder instead of the piece of garbage you've been using—which turns out to be the wooden teeth of a nutcracker Christmas tree ornament—you listen! Even if it sort of looks like a 🍆.
Buy It: $37 on Amazon
Lodge Cast Iron Reversible Grill/Griddle
If you get me this I will make you smash burgers and even provide the beer. It will be Lone Star.
Buy It: $43 on Amazon
ThermoWorks Thermapen Instant Read Thermometer
This thing tells you when your Friday night steak is ready immediately, and I've also...heard...that it works great to test the bathwater in your tub to make sure it's juuuuust right. Double duty. Need it. Want it. Throw in an extra for yourself. You deserve it.
Buy It: $79 from Thermoworks
Tramontina Professional Aluminum Nonstick Restaurant Fry Pan
If you get me this I will make you a French omelet and even pour you a glass of French(-sounding) rosé wine. It will be chilled.
Buy It: $26 on Amazon
Vitamix 5300 Blender (Certified Refurbished)
Certified refurbished is cheaper than a new one and just as effective! The Test Kitchen only uses these. Hello, legit! But it's still too much dough for me to drop on a smoothie machine, so I need you to think of my needs this holiday season. I want one so bad!!! My current blender is an old office shredder and it makes terrible purées! 😘
Buy It: $330 on Amazon
John Boos Walnut Wood Edge Grain Reversible Cutting Board
Oh wow, oh wow, look at that MAPLE. Oh it's WALNUT?! I've never owned a tree before! Right now I chop things on the back cover of Where's Waldo in Hollywood, which, ya know, works, but my charcuterie would look so damn good on wood.
Buy It: $202 on Amazon
OXO Steel Salad Spinner
The unnamed current salad spinner I have can only hold like, 17 leaves of arugula, and with all of these recent boxed greens recalls, it's better to be safe than sorry. Double wash every salad! This OXO is every salad spinner reviewer's #1 choice—it has a non-slip base AND "patented pump mechanism," people—but it's 50 smacks and I didn't go to business school. They wear Dockers there! A red Christmas bow would stick perfectly on the knob on top. How about that!
Buy It: $50 on Amazon
Again, the BA test kitchen supernerds swear by this beauty and I needitneeditneedit! I can eat shaved fennel salad like there's no tomorrow, which, from what I'm reading in the news, could be any day now. In minty green please!
Buy It: $47 on Amazon
Breville Immersion Blender
Okay, yeah, the Vitamix ask was a bit much. I still need to make tomato soup on the regular, though, so consider this immersion blender instead. Makes a great stocking stuffer.
Buy It: $93 on Amazon
Mac Knife Professional Hollow Edge Chef's Knife, 8-Inch
Sure, I could tell you I want this fancy Japanese chef's knife because it is made of "high carbon chrome molybdenum vanadium steel," or because it is "perfectly balanced," or because the grooves in the blade keep stuff from sticking to it so whatever I'm chopping doesn't fly all over the damn place. But really, I want it because it looks cool, and is probably a lot sharper than the trowel I use presently.
Buy It: $145 on Amazon
15 Inch Solid Cherry Wood Salad Bowl
Who doesn't love a good bowl? I love a good bowl. Something to put that shaved fennel salad in. You probably can't tell but this is a BIG bowl and will serve eight people. I don't even know eight people! If I did, I'd make them all a salad.
Buy It: $165 on Amazon