Matt Gross: Ah, there you are! Good morning!
Amiel Stanek: Tis I, the most hungover executive assistant in the history of the world.Per Se just sent a bottle of Champagne to Adam. it is sitting on my desk and making fun of me.
MG: I'm sure he won't mind if you just have a sip or two. So: How are you feeling?
AS: Like I don't want any Champagne.
broken, bad.
you know how they say the world is ending next week?
pretty sure its just ending today.
like right now.
MG: Well, good! Then we have something to talk about.
If you weren't hungover, I would've suspected you were holding back last night.
AS: Banana is a bad thing to get into a smoothie. It makes it too thick, when I try to drink it I feel like I'm going to have an aneurism.
I was not holding back, Matt.
This is for certain.
MG: All right, let's get down to it: What precautions did you take last night?Before the drinking began.
AS: Well, I tried to really hump up before I left the party, ate a bunch of leftover lamb chops from the test kitchen.
Drank a few quarts of water.
When I arrived, I slapped on two "Bytox" patches.
MG: Did the patches feel weird at all?
I heard some of our colleagues say they kinda burned.
AS: That is because they are sensitive.
Mine did not burn.
It leaves a little bit of a residue; I just took them off.
MG: Where did you put the patch?
AS: Inside of my forearms.
Now that you mention it, the skin that they were on is kind of weirdly tight.
MG: And you're hungover.
So maybe they didn't work all that well. [Adam Rapoport later e-mailed to say, "Didn't work. Think it might've had something to do with the shots of bourbon."]
AS: Yes, that is correct, Matt.
MG: What did you drink last night? Try hard to remember.
AS: Let's see
Five or six glasses of gin on the rocks.
Three 500ml bottles of pilsner
Then we left.
Everyone did shots of bourbon at a bar around the corner.
MG: That's all?
AS: Then we had beers at Crif Dogs.
There must be something in there that I'm missing.
MG: What time did the night end? And where?
AS: Man, I don't know.
I remember walking through a park.
I remember Adam Sachs throwing garbage bags at Adam Rapoport.
I remember eating a hot dog at Crif Dogs.
I remember the cab driver asking me to turn the volume on the TV down.
Why did I turn the volume on that little TV up so high??
I'm getting a headache thinking about it.
You know, the Blowfish that I drank just now is starting to make me feel a little bit better.
MG: That's good to hear! Did you also drink the Mercy last night?
AS: Yeah, I crushed two of them back to back.
MG: It sounds like you drank the prescribed dosage: one can for every three to five drinks. What did you think of Mercy? Could you feel your stores of glutathione, which Mercy calls "your body's most powerful antioxidant," being replenished?
AS: I cannot recommend that product.
I mean, I also can't recommend drinking a ton of gin and beer and bourbon.
I don't know anything about glutathione.
I just said that word aloud, and it didn't make me feel better. [For the complete opposite opinion from a staffer, see the end of this story.]
MG: What are you doing this morning to make yourself feel better?
AS: I wore a sweatshirt to work.
I took a nap on the train.
Got a smoothie from the weird juice truck on 43rd street.
MG: And you're also drinking this Blowfish stuff?
AS: Honestly, the only thing that is making me feel better is the thought of getting a pastrami sandwich for lunch.
Yeah, just drank one of those.
That is a product that I can get behind.
It tastes pretty bad, but it forces you to chug a glass of water.
MG: Which is what doctors are always recommending: drink water, drink water, drink water.
The pastrami sandwich sounds good.
You know, it's funny: I drank a whole lot last night--several glasses of bourbon, a cocktail, some beers--and didn't do a thing to counteract a hangover.
And I'm not hungover.
AS: Well laaa deeee daaaa
MG: I did, however, eat a nice hangover breakfast of curry fishball noodles from a Chinatown street cart.
AS: Look at me! I'm Matt Gross! I'm not hungover!
MG: Maybe it was the two sips I had of Mercy?
AS: Probably the curry.
MG: In a few hours, Amiel, you will no longer be hungover.
AS: Don't worry, this isn't my first rodeo.
MG: Oh, but you know what we forgot?
AS: What?
MG: One last important, time-tested hangover cure:Hair of the dog!
I've got a bottle of good Scotch in my office. Come on by and have a slug.
AS: Matt, I think you know that I am willing to do anything for Bon Appetit.
MG: I think we're all looking to test that willingness. Thank you, Guinea Pig!
