March Horoscopes: What’s Your Classic Diner Order?
Do you smell sizzling bacon? Does your booth squeak every time you budge on the vinyl bench? Is the laminated menu in front of you so heavy it seems to contain the mysteries of the universe? This month, Mercury is retrograde, so we’re revisiting our roots with diner classics. Find out what dish is matched to your sign but know that everyone qualifies for a side stack of pancakes.
Photo by Joe Perri1/12Aries
You’re as genuine as they come, Aries, but this month you might want to adopt the saying “fake it til you make it.” Match your outfits to your goals. Get into character. And if that means white suits and leopard print boots, so be it. Dressing like the boss that you are is a worthwhile investment during this moment of transformation and growth. For a power lunch, slide into the nearest greasy spoon and order a plate of mozz sticks. Crispy on the outside with gooey cheese on the inside, this is the perfect no-nonsense finger-food for someone who likes to keep it real, despite the fancy get-up. Set up a dip buffet of ketchup, honey mustard, and thousand island dressing. Call the shots this month, Aries. Just don’t drip on the new swag.
Photo by Joe Perri2/12Taurus
Peace and comfort are priorities for you, Taurus. But every once in awhile, bulls are known to get up and charge. This month, you might shock even yourself when you confront people who get in your way— the coworker who tries to take credit for your work or the lady who cuts in the self-checkout line. You’re feeling more outspoken than usual this month, but you’d better get used to it. This is only the beginning of an important new chapter; say what’s on your mind, stand up for yourself. When you see a cream-cheese smothered slice of carrot cake in a rotating diner display case, order it! Don’t deny your true nature, Taurus.
Photo by Joe Perri3/12Gemini
You get bored easily, Gemini. We all get a little stir-crazy in the winter, but especially you. This month, you’ll be trying to figure out how to break up the monotony in your life, especially in your career. Scheme up an elaborate prank on your coworkers; consider a mid-day walk; produce a cubicle-themed podcast. It doesn’t have to be a big change, just a creatively rewarding one. You’re multi-talented and adept at learning new things on a whim, Gemini, but don’t quit your day job. Because you live on the edge, you spin your finger over the diner menu and land on the soup du jour. Such possibility! Such mystery! whatever it might be, you’ll take it! Even if it’s minestrone!
Photo by Joe Perri4/12Cancer
Proceed with caution when it comes to making plans this month. You know how bad you feel when you cancel last minute, when in reality, you’ve been procrastinating sending that text all day. Go with what you feel, Cancer, and keep your options open. Ask people to hit you up the day of and see where impulse leads you. Only commit to plans with people who mean the most to you, and watch as the month feels richer by the company you keep. If that turns out to be, uh, just yourself, alone at the diner counter, order a tuna melt sliced on the diagonal. It’s the comfort food you need after a long week of canceling plans.
Photo by Joe Perri5/12Leo
Life picks up an exciting new pace this month, Leo, as you feel a readiness to take more risks. Find inspiration in the people around you who aren’t holding back. So why should you? Begin checking off the far-reaching things you’ve always wanted to experience, like hiking Machu Picchu or having your portrait done (or moonlighting as a nude model at an art school). Now is the time to start taking those dreams seriously. If one of those dreams is eating a diner breakfast every day, make sure to order the side stack of pancakes. The add-on that makes everybody happier. Wedge those adorable tiny butter packets between the cakes and hope they melt; explore the possibilities of strawberry jelly. It’s your life Leo, have fun with it!
Photo by Joe Perri6/12Virgo
Whatever your relationship status is right now, Virgo, your romance situation needs a boost. Think quality over quantity, and spend time with your person in meaningful ways—like cooking a meal together instead of sitting across a table on your phones. You’re one of the most thoughtful people we know, which makes you especially skilled at planning the perfect evening, say, a late night meal at an old-school diner. You’re also a hopeless romantic, which is why we know you’ll order the milkshake with two straws (preferably chocolate). Right when things seem like they couldn’t possibly go better, an order of hot, salty fries shows up. For dipping, obviously!
Photo by Joe Perri7/12Libra
This month, you’ll be prioritizing your well-being. Ditch the drama, drink a green smoothie, and don’t sweat the small stuff… in fact, sweat at the gym instead. Sometimes it’s hard for you to get there, but you always feel fabulous afterward. Reward yourself with a diner breakfast after a grueling water aerobics class. Your order? A disappointing fruit salad. There’s only one lonely pineapple sliver, a mushy kiwi, and too much cantaloupe. (Good thing someone else at your table ordered a side stack of pancakes—do you know any Leos?) We can always count on you to find the positive, Libra, so at least you know you tried.
Photo by Joe Perri8/12Scorpio
All Scorpions have a venomous stinger, but it’s usually reserved for emergencies. This month, you’re gonna need it. Either you’re going to have to stand up for yourself, or go to bat for someone who’s like family to you. You’re big on loyalty, Scorpio, and you can be cuttingly fierce. If a close friend has fallen for pyramid scheme or a case of a bad boyfriend, help them get out of a bind. Stick together and problem solve over a diner dinner. On your plate? A BLT. Like you, it’s steadfast in its consistency: crispy bacon, relatively fresh lettuce and tomato, and a generous smattering of mayonnaise on white bread (deeply toasted). Add hot sauce if you need even more venom.
Photo by Joe Perri9/12Sagittarius
You’re prone to bouts of wanderlust. And this month, you’ll be fantasizing (again!) about moving away, dear Sag. Maybe you live in a metropolitan high-rise and you’re dreaming about moving back to a nonexistent family farm. Or you wonder what it would be like to live incognito in Tokyo for a month. It all sounds so appealing. But for now? Stay close to home. Put on NatGeo, take your 15-year-old couch to the curb, and hang up your hammock as a stand-in until your new dream couch arrives. A hike might also do the trick… a few blocks away to your favorite diner, where you’ll order corned beef hash and eggs, a reminder of the comforts of home. Meat, potatoes, and eggs—how is it even possible that something so simple can be this good (it’s the salt)? Believe it, Sag.
Photo by Joe Perri10/12Capricorn
You often keep it level, but you’ll be excitable this month, Capricorn. You’re suddenly inspired by a continuous feed of fresh ideas. Scribble down every new thought about how to take your business/self to the next level (getting a Twitch account? Figuring out a royalty-free theme song? What’s my handle?!). You’re feeling confident that there’s at least a million people out there that would find your life interesting. Also interesting to you: a classic diner turkey club, mainly because it sounds like something served at an exclusive country club. While this sandwich indeed towers above the rest, it’s usually bland and hard to eat without disassembly. But with your inventive powers (a side of ketchup?) we’re confident that you’ll find a way to make it work, Capricorn.
Photo by Joe Perri11/12Aquarius
While you’re a social creature by nature and always eager to connect, you’ll find yourself in higher demand this month, Aquarius. You’ll have to negotiate between invitations to hang out this weekend, to contribute to a local fundraiser—not to mention the demands to comment, like, and reply to all your fans on social media. Your signature charm is supercharged this month and everyone wants a slice of you. You’ll play it cool, but on some level you’re feeling like the popular kid in school, which is why your diner order is: chicken fingers. Even if you have to order them off the kid’s menu—you’re a rebel like that—these crispy tender bites will bring you back to your roots. And it’s up to you whether to share them.
Photo by Joe Perri12/12Pisces
Happy birthday, Pisces! You’re feeling optimistic about the year ahead, but you’re also doing some solid reflecting on 2018. Will you approach this year differently? Yes. Many of your dreams and aspirations can come true this year, but half the battle is figuring out what you want. We see you, Pisces. You’re dedicated to this thing. Mid-month, you’ll feel bolder than ever. Trust that when you get loud, people listen. And we don’t mean you should order a western omelet in an unnecessarily loud voice. But that cheesy egg breakfast is your diner go-to this month, with a ton of substitutions and specifications, of course. Swiss cheese instead of cheddar, hash browns cooked extra crispy, red peppers only—no green!—until you’ve crafted a plate as iconic as you are.
Catherine Urban is a writer and astrologer who loves ordering huevos rancheros from a diner barstool. Find out more about astrology (and how to survive Mercury retrograde) by following @AstroCatherine on IG and Twitter.
Special thanks to Square Diner, one of our favorite New York diners, for letting us photograph all of these wonderful dishes in their restaurant. Order the carrot cake!
