Some say that the sight of green things sprouting is the official sign of spring. For me, it’s a bearded man in business casual riding a scooter at, like, 45 mph grinning in the sunshine. Another sign is that Trader Joe’s is selling mushroom-shaped sour gummies and lemon poppy seed muffins. What else? A chocolate-coconut-caramel thing that’s like a deconstructed Girl Scout cookie, a giant bag of miniature scallops, and much more, reviewed below for your shopping pleasure.
The Dessert Dept.
Trader Joe’s mini sheet cakes are usually wedding-worthy, but this one was claggy and sticky. Possibly underbaked. The coconut frosting, speckled with coconut flakes, was the best part.
Crunchy oatmeal cookies sandwich a thin layer of chocolate. I loved. Some cookies are a little askew, as if the top guy started slipping off the chocolate, and isn’t that charming? Perfect little afternoon tea snack. After some sleuthing, I suspect they’re some kind of dupe of Pepperidge Farm’s Brussels cookies—thicker maybe—but since everyone signs NDAs to keep this a state secret, I cannot confirm if true. Redditors also ponder an Ikea cookie relation. Who knows? The good news is, it doesn’t matter.
This white chocolate bar is creamy and ultra sweet, and the great minds at TJ’s were smart to distract from the one-note flavor with crunchy little cookie crumbles. I like the idea of breaking up the bar and putting it inside chocolate chip cookies for a cookie-Inception situation.
Calling all grandpas: Trader Joe’s has butterscotch candies now, so fill your pockets and hit those streets. I look forward to hearing you all unwrap them during this fall’s season of the Detroit Opera.
This is Joe’s best mochi flavor yet. They defrost in five minutes, and the outer mochi has a nutty, buttery caramel flavor. I always try to eat them in two bites because I don’t want a brain freeze, and it’s a complete mess. But worth it!
These are basically like the tops of Caramel deLite cookies. (I’m as surprised as you are that the Girl Scouts went with that spelling.) Chewy coconut, crunchy cashew crumbs, lots of caramel goo interspersed with chocolate goo. Not a candy bar, but a candy puddle.
So sour. I think the flavor is…fruit punch? One of those mystery flavors that exists outside the botanical universe. The button mushroom shape is funny, if a little chewy. After eating too many, my mouth burned in pain. “The body keeps score,” they say. I have happier results with other mushroom gummies.
Hadn’t had an RVC in a while and this was a letdown. We know the flavor is chocolate, right? These had a tangy dirt note. Bottom-of-the-barrel cocoa powder. Pass.
The Dinner Dept.
Just another bag of prechopped lettuces filled with the “will they or won’t they?” tease of Listeria or whatever our nation’s fine lettuces are up to now. Look, a fleck of radicchio! One bag serves three hearty portions, or four measly ones.
I feel like these are the kind of chicken salads Ina Garten sold at her Hamptons shop, and that deeply appeals to my fantasies of being rich. Delish. Kalamata olives, roasted red peppers, and artichoke hearts. You could definitely make this at home for cheaper, but sometimes, store-bought is fine.
Honestly, shockingly good. There are actual green onions, peppers, and lots of sausage in there. It reheats easily with a little water, and if you let it sit in the pan for the last three minutes, untouched, it gets a little crispy on the bottom. The bag says it serves two; it certainly does not. Buy two if you’re serving two.
Tiny baby button scallops, so cute. I found these trickier to cook because you can’t flip them to brown each side as easily as the big boys. You also need to take care not to overcook them, because they’re done in approximately 100 seconds. I tossed them into fried rice, which felt like a real treat. Not necessarily sweeter than big scallops, but absolutely more adorable. No knife required; spoon straight into the mouth. I’d buy these again for a quick weeknight protein.
The puddle of red pepper water on the bottom of this tray was almost the end of me. Underseasoned and mushy meat, gloopy cheese, I can’t even stand to be in this paragraph any longer.
The Snack Dept.
New favorite salty snack. But are they still in stock? When I went back to buy more, I couldn’t find these light and crispy rice chips. Devastating. (Can probably find a version at H Mart instead.) They have a hint of sugar, salty seaweed umami, and bonus, two desiccant bags. The adult version of a cereal box prize.
Like eating lightly ranch-dusted drywall nails. Close to torture. Why are they so hard? The rolled architecture is not working for me, though it is fun to prop them between your lips on one side like a cig. I composted the rest of the bag.
These novelty curry chips are pretty spot on. Sweet and very aromatic with lemongrass and warm spices. Excellent with a Negroni! But not memorable enough to buy on repeat till I die.
Proteinmaxxing material. I thought this was going to be a meal, but it’s a snack pack the size of an iPhone. This is for people too busy to chop up a chicken breast and dollop honey mustard on a plate, bless them, I hope their schedules clear up soon. I’m not the target audience here. My cousin, who takes a lot of post-gym selfies in his underwear in front of a mirror that reveals how messy his bedroom is—he is the target audience. I’ll tell him about the chicken.
As a Corn Nut lover, I can say with disappointment that these are terrible. The dusty chocolate coating is bitter and unpleasant, and there isn’t enough salt to offset it. The corn kernels are painfully hard, and I don’t have dental insurance, so I can’t take risks like this.
Every day, around 5 p.m., I like to pretend I’m sliding into a barstool somewhere, having a bucket of suds and free bar snacks. Then, instead, I crack a Fresca and put some pretzels in a bowl and head back to my desk to keep working. They’re long twists that sort of resemble sexy lady legs (that’s what I see, I’m sorry), with an onion-sharp flavor dust that’s perfectly calibrated. Great product. Have a mint after.
Another passable addition to my Pretend Happy Hour routine. This mix has plump, super-toasted cashews, wrinkly almonds, dusty pecans, and some perfectly circular cracker coins. Everything is coated in a garlic butter salt that masks the mediocrity of the nuts. You can see swipes of dehydrated butter on some pieces, which sometimes taste on the edge of rancid, but perhaps I’m thinking too hard. Not the point of snacking.
Your summer classic. Thin, big chips with a sweet paprika “barbecue” flavor. Put a few slices on your tuna salad sandwich, see what the day brings.
“After an extended absence,” writes Trader Joe’s, these spicy not-Cheetos are back. I didn’t miss them, did you? They have a dry, foamy texture and a heat that builds and burns, without any other flavor than fire. A little cheese dust would be nice! I think they should do a bag that’s half spicies, half cheesies, the way Garrett’s does the cheese/caramel popcorn mix.
“Old Goat,” get it? I don’t think this cheese will be in stores long because it must come from a legit supplier, not some industrial cheese factory. If you get a chance to grab it, buy two. It’s different and better than the pasty logs of chèvre. There’s a creamy richness, a nice farm-y note, and good salt. I buy a much more expensive version at Zingerman’s that tastes similar for twice as much.
Meh. I think serving goat cheese with a drizzle of hot honey is a better move for better flavor control. The cheese ends up being pretty one-note, like hot honey with an aftertaste of goat’s milk. Not a repeater.
The Breakfast Dept.
The potatoes are firm little cubes that break up the scrambled eggs and chewy pork sausage. The package shows a “serving SUGGESTION” of scallions on top. That wouldn’t save this.
Not everything is better in the air fryer, folks. These sorta-spicy spud nuggets become pasty and dry in there. Better to cook them with oil, on the stovetop. These pre-fried, red-stained home fries are a reminder to me, and hopefully the world, that shredded hash browns or hash brown patties (also at TJ’s) are far superior potato products.
They have that astronaut-food texture, but tasted sour and vomitous. I noticed that our recent astronaut heroes did not take them into space, and I wouldn’t recommend them for anyone on Earth either.
They flew this chocolate brioche loaf in from France? I’m not sure I like the environmental cost of that, but I do like the thick, airy bread. Toasted with butter and flaky salt for breakfast is decadent birthday shit. Burns easily, though, so keep an eye on that toaster oven.
Multitasker, we see you. This is a bagel spread, with that thick cream cheese texture, but it could work as a dip with a sturdy cracker like a Triscuit or a pretzel. It has a fresh, dilly flavor and a spice blend that reminds me of French onion dip. Layer it on a bagel with smoked salmon, obviously.
Not noticeably different than any other basic frozen waffle. They’re so perfectly circular and tan that they don’t even look like real food. It feels like part of a kid’s play kitchen set, and maybe that’s for a reason. Reality can be hard to bear.
Minuscule! These canelés are barely over an inch tall, something I’d expect to see at the American Girl doll café. I want full-grown, adult-size canelés, because then maybe the textures would be right. These have a rubbery exterior with a sheen of oil and a bland custard inside. It’s hard to get the reheat timing right because they come pre-burnished, so it’s easy to either underbake or overbake.
Oily and moist, like all Trader Joe’s muffins. These pair very well with strong black coffee. They’re not much to look at, but not all muffins can be cupcakes, can they? That’s a life lesson.
They’re really underselling the fact that there are cornflakes in this granola, which are what make it. Otherwise, it’s a pretty standard formula: lots of clumps, lots of sugar. I appreciate the thickly sliced almonds for crunch. The salt level feels reasonable, but then again, I cook a lot of Molly Baz recipes, so my salt threshold is high.
I made an iced latte with this new unsweetened vanilla soy beverage and couldn’t taste the “vanilla flavor” (not extract or vanilla bean paste, which would be expensive) at all.
The honey is suspiciously thin and runny, with an intense cardamom back note. I didn’t fall in love. I could see it as an addition to tea, oatmeal, or your nighttime magic latte business.