The “new” shelf at my Ann Arbor Trader Joe’s was stocked with red, redesigned boxes of Diamond Crystal Kosher Salt, a.k.a. the salt the Bon Appétit Test Kitchen hinges upon. This is huge! It means an oft-called-for salt is more available than it used to be, depending on your proximity to a Trader Joe’s. Then, as I was checking out, a group of employees descended on my cashier and sang her “Happy Birthday” as she blushed deeply and didn’t stop scanning items. It was awkward and sweet. Also sweet: the new Horchata Ice Cream I’m singularly obsessed with this month. Onto the reviews!
Snacky Snacks
Peanut Butter Crispy Rice Bites
These are better than Rice Krispies Treats. Each wrapper has some cheeky saying on it like “is peanutty a word”? and “afternoon snack?” ( yes, to both). There’s a thin layer of chocolate on one side, while the peanut butter offsets all the sugar, and hey, the body needs protein. My friend took one on a long bike ride as a tastier, pocket-sized alternative to energy goo.
Strawberry-Lemonade Joe Joe’s
If you like Froot Loops, with their tangy yet cardboardy lemonness, you’ll love these. I hate Froot Loops.
Snacky Clusters
There have been a cluster of clusters at Trader Joe’s lately, maybe because they’re a good way to use up broken pretzels and whatnot. The lumpy, chocolate-coated clusters remind me of those T-shirts with educational illustrations of animal scat. The S’mores Clusters last month were more like elk scat, and these Snacky Clusters are smaller, so maybe a mountain goat. They’re filled with the crumbs of potato chips, mini pretzels, and corn dippers, which come through the strongest with that earthy, Frito-wonderful flavor.
Licorice Trio
Not too sweet, very chewy. There’s raspberry, mango, and green apple pieces in this bag, but they all have that green apple tinge to them. It won’t matter when you’re reaching into the bag at every stoplight on the way home.
Pantry Accessories
Diamond Crystal Kosher Salt
Very cool to buy Diamond Kosher at Trader Joe’s, though the price is the same as when I get it elsewhere. My quibble with the new packaging is, why does it say “salt flakes,” which makes it sound like it’s Maldon? Confusing. Also, I wish they’d let Trader Joe’s art department get to this packaging. It needs a pinch of fun, maybe some jolly salt flakes going down into a salt mine, or meeting their death on a nice pork chop.
Midnight Moo Chocolate Syrup
Kids won’t give a moo, but Hershey’s chocolate syrup is creamier than this stuff, which has a runnier texture (because of agave syrup) and an almost tangy sweetness. I can’t recommend it for the discerning chocolate sauce audience, if that exists.
Chunky Garlic & Jalapeño Hot Sauce
This hot sauce isn’t really about the *shudders* chunks. It’s about the roasted garlic and jalapeño that have a deep, incredible heat. Some conspirators wonder if this is a re-labeled version of the “California-style” hot sauce Pepper Plant. And the short ingredient list is nearly identical, so there’s that.
Frozen Stuff
Whole Grain Waffles
A frozen waffle with a smidge more fiber and flavor than the normal version. Does that thrill you? I don’t want to over-promise. It’s just a waffle. Put peanut butter on it and get your ass to work on time.
Grilled Chimichurri Chicken Skewers
I don’t get why these already grilled chicken skewers’ recommended cooking method is grilling. I cooked them in the air fryer instead and they were nice and juicy, with festive char marks. The chimichurri is modestly brushed on, but it imparts an herby, garlicky flavor. I can’t believe how un-mad I am about these. But for a quick lunch or dinner protein, they’re great, if a little high in sodium.
Chicken Breakfast Patties
It’s a complete and utter mystery to me how they got these khaki chicken patties so juicy, but they are, and they’re really satisfying despite their vampiric pallor. (There’s not even added oil/fat in there, just water. So maybe it’s water?)
Inedible Hand Soap
Sea Breeze Hand Soap
Shockingly good packaging, no? But the scent is heavy on the lemongrass. I wanted more salty sea, maybe even some notes of rotting kelp, the woodsy aroma of a pirate ship’s plank. Think how good that soap would be. Alas.
Dairy Aisle
Fresh Mozzarella Pearls
TJ’s has new baby mozzarella pearls. They taste like near-nothing, but they’d make a lovely necklace.
Taco Gouda Cheese
Take red wax gouda and assault it with some cumin, too much oregano, and chili powder. Call it “taco” flavored and watch the people clammer. I bought two. My plan to make nachos with it would have been brilliant if the spices carried through. By itself, the cheese tastes like hard shell taco night, but when melted and bubbly, it loses its magic. Add the new Chunky Garlic & Jalapeño Hot Sauce to help out.
S’mores Ice Cream
This is a really creative ice cream. It’s a graham cracker-flavored base, and it tastes toasty and grahamy. Small bits of chocolate pop up here and there. But when I went hunting for a mini marshmallow, I couldn’t find them amidst the white sections of ice cream. Sadly, I don’t think they made it past the cryogenic stage.
Golden Caramel Swirl Ice Cream
There’s gold on this packaging and braggy stuff like “super premium” which is about as effective as slapping a Trump logo on a hotel. Not convinced. The ice cream is rich, with mostly a chocolate flavor (I think there’s a salted caramel swirl in there somewhere), so I’m not sure what all the fuss is about. Put some edible gold in there, then we’re talking.
Horchata Ice Cream
A new-ish horchata ice cream is back and it’s perfection: a cinnamony ice cream with horchata-flavored cookie pieces that are sometimes soft, sometimes crisp, and I couldn’t stop plowing my spoon in for one more bite. I’m not sure if I could taste the brown rice flour but it’s in there too. Imagine this ice cream in an affogato, with a shot of espresso melting over it. Or just enjoy it as God intended, straight from the pint in front of the TV.