The Nitpicker's Perfect Restaurant
If you're a regular reader of this column, you know that I spend a lot of time thinking about how restaurants should run. I do this by complaining about the things that don't work with the hopes that they'll shine a light on making them better. Does it make a difference? I have no idea. All I know is that one day I want to find that mythical perfect dining experience. To that end, I've created The Nitpicker's Perfect Restaurant: a curmudgeon's utopia where everything runs smoothly and there's nothing to complain about – until you get the bill, of course. Click through and see exactly what the restaurant future could look like if I ever get my way.
1/11The Host Stand
Walk-in? Reservation? Either way, you need to stop at the host stand, and even that very first step can be enough to ruin your night with busy hosts, a crowded reception area, and the insistence that you need to wait at the bar for your table to be ready – despite the fact that you have a reservation. In The Nitpicker's Perfect Restaurant (TNPR), you don't interact with the host until your table is ready. Instead, you check in on an iPad that gives you a precise waiting time. You're then directed to a waiting room where cocktail servers are readily available to bring you drinks, should you want them. When your table is ready, a friendly host will guide you to your table. No more reservation anxiety. No more waiting awkwardly behind people having a drink at the bar. Just relax and prepare to eat.
2/11Table Layout
In an effort to cram as many people on the floor at once, restaurants have taken to spacing tables together closer than airline seats. In TNPR, each table is set far enough apart from its closest neighbor for an average person to fit comfortably between them. Tables in the middle of the room are arranged in diamonds so that each guest can comfortably sit without bumping up against the person behind them. You will NOT feel like a sardine in TNPR.
3/11The Menu
You may have noticed that I haven't really addressed food. I'm not going to. When you're plotting the Perfect Restaurant, you have to assume that the food is already perfect. If it's not, then you have no business addressing any other elements until the food is unassailable. The actual menu, however, needs to achieve a Goldilocks Effect. There can't be too many items or too few. The prices will be clearly visible (using dollar signs, of course), and dishes will be described beyond a list of three random ingredients or not described at all. There will be no dishes named with puns, nor will there be quotation marks. Guesswork will not be a part of the ordering process.
4/11Servers
A perfect server is both omnipresent and invisible. They know what you need before you even need it and don't try to impress you with their vivacious personality. Servers at TNPR are friendly without being overbearing, accommodating without seeming servile. They're there to make your experience flow seamlessly, and they will not be introducing themselves or crouching at your table.
5/11Plates and Silverware
Plates and silverware are the tools of the diner. They need to be functional without being fussy. Bowls will only be deep enough to accommodate their contents. Silverware will be weighty but not heavy, and you'll be able to balance said utensils on your plate with no problem. The plates themselves will have enough of a lip so that sauces won't spill, and they most certainly will not be angular in any way. The whole point of plates and silverware is to contain and transport your food, both from the kitchen to your table and then into your mouth. Like your server, they'll be very helpful without catching your attention whatsoever.
6/11Drinks
There are no mixologists at TNPR. Instead, there's a beverage director who designs the cocktail menu and deals with all beverage service issues, a sommelier to tackle and delineate the wine list, and glasses that allow you to drink freely without worrying about spilling. That means that martini glasses are banned from the restaurant. Bartenders won't wear suspenders or wax their mustaches. Flavored vodka will not be available. Drinks will not take more than one minute to construct and blenders are forbidden.
7/11Timing of Courses
This is another element that will aim for balance. Your food will arrive promptly, but not so much that you're not yet done with the previous course. You'll have time to relax, but not so much that you're gawking around the room trying to figure out where the heck your steak is. In TNPR, your watch will become obsolete because everything will be timed perfectly.
8/11Bussers and Food Runners
Bussers and Runners are invaluable members of the team and they'll be trained extensively. Between every course, you'll receive new silverware. Your dishes will be cleared once everyone at the table is done – not one at a time whenever you finish. Dishes will be cleared without reaching across your body. Water will be refilled without asking. Leftovers will be packed competently and delivered in bags with handles so you don't have to worry about spilling sauces on the way home. Tables will be reset quickly and efficiently. Your bread basket will never be recycled from another table.
9/11Dessert Menus
This whole “would you like to see a dessert menu” business is just a waste of everybody's time. At TNPR, nobody asks if you'd like to see a dessert menu; they'll just be brought to the table. If you don't wish to order dessert, your server will gladly bring your check.
10/11Bringing the Check
A server too busy to drop the check off at your table at the end of the night can destroy an entire meal's worth of good will. At TNPR, the check comes five minutes after your table's last bite of food. You're welcome to stay as long as you'd like, but you certainly won't be waiting around to pay when you just want to go home.
11/11Mints
The host stand will always have mints for you on the way out. Always.
