All the Meat-Substitutes at Trader Joes, Ranked
This story is part of The Healthyish Guide to Eating for the Climate...Without Stressing Out, a collection of our best tips for living sustainably and eating well while doing so.
You loooOoOove the soy chorizo, right? Ya gotta hand it to Trader Joe’s: the grocery chain has long been ahead of the curve when it comes to meatless alternatives. And unlike so many brands that take themselves very seriously as arbiters of so-called plant-based eating, Trader Joe’s has FUN with their soy-and-who-knows-what’s-in-there non-meats. The orange chicken-less chicken! The cute lil meatballs! But there are definite hits and misses in those many meatless packages. The biggest miss is how much packaging is involved: laminated boxes, plastic containers sealed with plastic wrap, bags within bags. Not a good look, Joe.
I tested all of the TJ-brand imitation meats just like I do every new product at the culty grocery store, to bring you the honest news you can use. (Note: I didn’t taste the variety of veggie burgers, since those are in a class of themselves—they’re not a direct imitation of meat in the ways these are.) Let’s take a bite.
In order from best to leave-it-on-the-shelf:
Photo by Emma Fishman1/10Protein Patties
Similar (cough) … to a Beyond Burger (cough), these are made with pea protein, oat fiber, oils, and vegetable juices. They have splotches of pink beet juice on them like burgeoning zits. As far as ingredient lists go, these have the shortest of the TJ meatless meats. I cooked a patty over a hot cast iron and it browned to a nice crisp on both sides. On its own, it tastes subtly garlicky-meaty and has a soft, tender, fine texture. Much fluffier than meat. On a bun with mayo, mustard, lettuce, and pickles, I was happy to eat the whole thing. If I was hosting any vegetarians for barbecue, I’d offer to throw these on the grill for them—if they’re the type of vegetarians who actually want a meat imitation, that is.
Photo by Laura Murray2/10Soy Chorizo
To make this meatless masterpiece, cumin and chile powder-spiced soy crumbles are squeezed into a sausage “tube” (made of PLASTIC) to resemble how you’d buy pork chorizo for your breakfast tacos. The casing is pointless marketing here; you have to remove it before cooking...because, again, plastic. Out of the casing, it spills out, meaning you cannot slice and brown it. But no need. As fake ground meat, it succeeds thanks to those heavy-handed spices (for once, Joe!) that bring so much flavor that you don’t need the funky animal notes of pork. I needed to add oil as I cooked to keep it from getting too dry. It had such an eerie resemblance to chorizo I’ve made at home, I felt betrayed. I got over it fast.
Photo by Laura Murray3/10Chickenless Crispy Tenders
These are the exact length of my fingers, so points for that, Joseph. The crunchy breadcrumb coating = excellent. The flavor = neutral. The texture of the soy-stuff inside = oddly firm. The color of the “meat” = pinkish-white, like chicken, disconcertingly. I dunked them in sriracha mayo and wasn’t mad about it.
Photo by Laura Murray4/10Chicken-less Mandarin Orange Morsels
Like the chicken-less tenders, the un-chicken nuggets here are very firm to the point of tough, with a crispy exterior that gets too chewy in parts. Year after year, this is a top-selling TJ product, so despite those textural flaws, you soak everything in a syrupy sweet, acidic orange sauce and it does make everything better.
Photo by Laura Murray5/10Meatless Meatballs
These guys are the size of dried limes and they’re ready in a quick 10 minutes, baked in the oven from frozen. The exterior gets a slight crisp, but inside it’s blahhhh. I get a hint of dried herbs and garlic powder but not much else. I could see picky kids liking these–and they come in a resealable bag. For those with needy taste buds, you gotta douse the meatballs in sauce or pesto (I recommend this vodka sauce).
Photo by Laura Murray6/10Jackfruit Cakes
I remember how much these surprised me when I tried them for the first time last year; the similarity to a shreddy crab cake is crazy. They’re heavy on the celery salt and a bit tougher than crab, and the starches holding it together get gummy, but crab better watch out. If...the crabs are watching.
Photo by Laura Murray7/10Sausage-less Italian Sausage
These have an impressive springy, sausage-like bounce, but I wish they went heavier on spices other than a sprinkling of fennel seeds. Inside, the texture is almost bready from all the mystery starches and such. When I sautéed one log, it browned nicely. It would be a good hot dog alt! Like real sausage, there’s a LOT of sodium here, so beware.
Photo by Laura Murray8/10Beef-less Ground Beef
This is solidly close enough. Unlike soy chorizo, which has a fine grind, this is looser, with bigger crumbles. There are kibble bits—tiny chewy cubes–in there that freaked me out at first, but if you’re eating this over rice, or in a taco, or in pasta sauce, you don’t pay attention to those details. Or at least, I didn’t. Had a lot going on. I seasoned mine with a ton of soy sauce, fish sauce, and sambal to bring flavor and umami to otherwise nothing-tasting soy crumbles. \
Photo by Laura Murray9/10Breakfast sausage
I baked a patty (they’re the size of a powder compact) and found it had a hushpuppy-like consistency inside, dense and bready. There’s a faint maple syrup breakfast sausage seasoning but I mean FAINT. I really didn’t like whatever the pea-sized cartilage-y pieces in the filling were; would pass these up for chorizo any day.
Photo by Laura Murray10/10Breaded Turkey-Less Stuffed Roast with Gravy
It’s cool this exists! (You can find it in stores around the holidays, typically.) It’s the size of a big calzone. The vegan, two-pound wheat gluten log bakes for around an hour and gets a golden, crispy breadcrumb exterior. Inside the “not turkey” is a fleshy pink color, smooth and firm and get this: moister than actual turkey. Le whoa. The ingredients tell me lentils are involved...somehow. There are “spices” that give off a whiff of turkey-like aroma. Then there’s an inner core layer of soggy, wet stuffing. You microwave gravy and call it a day (the day is Thanksgiving!).
